How to Cope with the Absence of Your Baby Mama
by bigbootyshinji420
Summary: <html><head></head>Krista is unable to cope with the absence of Ymir, her true love. In an attempt to help their friend, Squad Levi plans a picnic for her. Everything is going according to plan, that is, until Erwin Smith receives news of this picnic. Will the world survive Erwin's wrath?</html>


It had been 2 weeks since Ymir had left her. Krista sat alone in her bedroom. She felt like crying.

"Aye, Krista. Wanna roll up?" Levi Heichou bust up in her room with a bag of weed.

"No. Not right now," Krista sighed.

"Biiiiiitch. The whole squad outside waitin on yo ass. You needa build and bridge and get ova yo lost love," Levi snorted.

Krista turned around to face Levi and was about to punch dat ass when Mikasa Ackerman bust up in that room and held her back.

"You so damn lucky she's holdin me back, bitch!" Krista screamed at Heichou, who was already smokin on a blunt.

"If you don't calm yourself down..." Mikasa threatened.

Krista knew that warning tone in Mikasa's voice. She immediately ceased her hollering and stopped jumping around.

"Krista, Heichou's right. It's time you move on. Ymir is gone. It was her decision," Mikasa began.

"Oooooh... the Lord's testin me today! Now I got two bitches tryna tell me how to live MY life!" Krista spat.

"It's the truth Krista Anne Wilson Historia Lenz," Mikasa said.

"NEVER, and I mean NEVER, call me by my full queen name again," Historia threatened.

Mikasa ain't have no type of time to deal with this scrawny bitch. She grabbed Krista by her hair and pulled her up to eye level.

"You gon listen to me today, hoe," Mikasa said menacingly.

"Aight, aight. My bad!" Krista replied quickly.

Mikasa returned Krista to the ground.

"Now, what I was saying was that the whole squad wants to help you out. About.. Ymir. So, to do this..." Mikasa said hesitantly.

"You don't mean...?" Krista questioned.

"Yes," Mikasa confirmed.

"SQUAD DAY OUT? A PICNIC?" Krista screamed.

"Hella," Mikasa confirmed.

With that being said, Krista packed her shit and off the squad went. Once they reached the desired spot for their picnic, Jean and Connie brought out the stereo and began rappin mad lyrics.

"TURN THA FUCK UP!" Sasha screamed and began rappin along with Connie and Jean.

Levi Heichou passed around the blunt. Krista took a hit, and she immediately felt ten times better about the whole Ymir situation.

It was only until the squad heard manic laughter that they realized Pixis had tagged along with them. Pixis, the notorious weed hoarder, was smoking four blunts and somehow drinking straight up vodka as well. The whole squad realized it would take a great effort to make sure he got home safely.

Needless to say, everybody turned up an adequate amount at this picnic. However, there was one person who was feeling left out of this glorious picnic. This person was the one, the ONLY Erwin Smith.

Erwin Smith was back at the HQ when he got the news from Moblit that the squad had gone out.

"Oh? Where dey go to?" Erwin inquired.

"A picnic, I believe!" Moblit answered.

The brush that Erwin had been using clattered to the floor.

"A...picnic? Dey ain't invite me?" Erwin asked timidly.

"Uh... no sir. I don't believe so," Moblit was beginning to get very scared.

"HELLLLL NO!" with one quick motion, Erwin flipped over his vanity and stormed out the room.

The squad had no idea who he really was. To put it quite simply, Erwin Smith was Medusa. And the squad would soon feel his wrath.

Erwin stormed to his super secret dungeon a few miles off from the HQ. In it, he activated his super sly Medusa powers. Erwin glanced at his reflection in the mirror, happy to see his besties (his snakes) all up in his hair.

"Precioussss," Erwin said.

Erwin had decided to summon NASA to destroy the picnicking grounds.

"Aye, NASA! I need yall to do me a favor and destroy the picnicking grounds. Ily, thanks, bye-bye," Erwin said.

Erwin's message was gladly received by NASA.

It aint take but like 20 minutes for NASA to come up with a plan to destroy the picnicking grounds. They decided they would send down this new species of radioactive monkeii to give the squad a scare and get the mission done.

The squad had just got done taking shots when they heard a rumbling in the distance.

"Ttttitaniums!" a very drunk Eren shouted and attempted to run, but only failed.

"Aint no titans, bitch," Hanji yelled at him and passed the blunt to Levi.

Right as Hanji spoke these infamous words, the radioactive monkeii galloped at a speed similar to a llama's to the grounds on which the squad was resting.

"Whet," Mikasa said.

"Mmaybne we shuld go," Armin mumbled and tried to stand up.

"HAH! If imma die, imma die! I aint no coward; yall got me sooo fucked up if you think imma run! I'll fight them! ion care! I'll go down swingin, but I aint no coward!" Krista screamed.

And that she did. Krista's drunk ass stood up and she somehow managed to fight off every single monkeii with no injuries. Witnesses would later recall the event and comment on Krista's bravery. Whenever asked about how she did it, Krista got a devilish glint in her eye and said that she imagined each monkeii was Ymir.

"Imma show that bitch one day," Krista said.

"I aint a coward, unlike her. Ion need her!"


End file.
